#59 - The Roadblock To Success: The Pushy Parent
After years of frustrated questions from coaches regarding this, it's finally time to address the issue of how some parents are unknowingly preventing their child from achieving swimming success (and possibly even success in other areas, for that matter).
Coaches often refer to these problems caused by 'over-zealous' or pushy parents, who get overly-involved and pre-occupied by their child's performances, mentally 'pushing' them to do better, and even worse, telling them that their performance 'was not good enough'. This is a highly damaging approach which hugely increases the already-considerable pressures a young competitive swimmer must face. This pressure eventually forces most of these unfortunate swimmers to give up swimming altogether (often around 13-16 years old), simply to escape from the pressure they receive from their well-meaning but overbearing parents).
These are not your 'everyday' parents I am talking about - these are the ones who give their child instructions before they go out for every race, put them through the 'third degree' when they put in a bad performance, sometimes even argue with officials or coaches at meets, and will often continue the 'lecture' for their child when at home. This attitude gradually deteriorates their parent/child relationship, as the parent becomes more of a 'manager' than a true parent.
After all, a parent is supposed to 'un-conditionally' love and support their child, regardless of their performance, and when this support becomes conditional upon the child winning races, the relationship becomes quite different. It is very sad to see a swimmer who has had a bad race walk off so they do not have to speak to their parents for half an hour because they know they will receive an 'earful' of
lectures and abuse.
These parents are often regarded by most regular parents as being totally "over the top" (however one admitted that it's easy to fall into the trap of beginning to 'push' for your own child to make sure they don't get left behind). Often the child of a pushy parent can become unpopular among the other squad members for bragging about themselves or using intimidation, and these other squad members sometimes band together to ensure they finish ahead of this swimmer in training and meets. This child may begin to mysteriously get injured or sick, preventing them from regular training and meets - but really it is simply a way of escaping the training (which they are no longer enjoying), and seeing swimmers who they are no longer popular with.
There are 3 essential keys to swimming success. The swimmer must: Love swimming passionately (of their own accord). Be self-motivated to train hard. Have unconditional support, and be praised for their achievements.
Please do not feel that I am targeting the majority of parents, because for every one 'pushy' parent there are probably 20 well-adjusted, reasonable parents who allow their children to swim as they wish and who support them 'unconditionally' whether they win or lose (which by the way is a really 'major' requirement of a child). These parents are always sympathetic, positive, supportive and most of all
consistent in all swimming situations with their child.
One of these (many) supportive parents is a subscriber to this mailing list and she says to her child: "This is YOUR thing and your goal - I can try to help you in some ways by being there for you, but whatever you do has to come from within." This is a positive and supportive statement which is just what the child needs to hear.
There are only a small number of parents who fit into the 'over-zealous' category I am talking about, however these are the ones who tend to create the most attention and make the most demands when at a meet attended by their child. It almost seems that in some way these people live out their own 'unfulfilled dreams' through their child's swimming - and this is a very sad situation, because in the end, the child is swimming for their parent instead of for themselves! Once this happens, all hope of a long and continued love of swimming is lost, because swimming must ALWAYS be done for oneself.
What can a child do if they have an overly pushy parent? While they are young, there is very little they can do, however once they move into their teens they sometimes take the major step of 'banning' their parent from meets, only allowing them to drop them off and pick them up. This is a sad but highly necessary step for some swimmers to make in these extreme circumstances, as that way they can focus on their swimming without any extra pressures being put upon them by their parent
The key to success for a swimmer is not through being pushed up the ladder by others - it is being a self-starter who loves what they are doing, and who'll do whatever it takes to succeed. The role of the parent is to allow their child to do what they love without becoming too involved - in short, to 'be there' for them when they need you, and to give them their space and freedom when they don't. Let them
develop their own individual fighting spirit and they will reach greater heights than ever imagined, and have heaps more fun doing it.
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